Hello, I'm here mostly to rant and get things off my chest but I'm open to advice, opinions, relatable experiences, etc. This is a long, deep rooted issue for me that I'm going to try and sum up quickly so if you have questions, let me know.
For the past 3 or 4 years now, I can't keep track, my family on my mother's side has been split because of my sister. She elected to disown our mother because she wouldn't break up with her boyfriend (it's a long story) and has dragged us all in.
At the beginning I specifically told my sister that I respected her decision, but she needed to also respect me by not shoving her opinion down my throat and trying force me into cutting our mom our too. She originally said she would never do such a thing, and she wouldn't hold it against anyone who kept in contact with my mom. She just didn't want to be around her and didn't want her knowing anything.
Looking back, I know I should have known it was a lie. My sister is a narcissist, at least I'm pretty sure she is. Everything has to be her way, she is never wrong, and she views herself as perfect. She even has an idea who who I should be that she thinks I should bend to, rather than who I actually am. So I should have known there would be problems when she decided to cut my mother out. But I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.
The holidays roll around, and my nana is planning everything and my sister tells her that if she's going to be there, our mom can't be. And my nana agreed with her and told me my mother, her daughter, wasnt going to be allowed to come while my sister was here. I promptly told her that was ridiculous and I wasn't okay with that. I explained to her that the holidays aren't about my sister's petty drama and they don't revolve around her. That she needs to be the one who either gets over herself or doesn't come. My nana basically refused to tell her anything or put her foot down. So me, a whole six years younger than my sister and like a ripe 19 or so, told her that she needed to understand that her decision was not our own. And that my mother would be invited to Christmas and if she didn't want to come then that was on her.
This is how it went for every family holiday after. My nana would plan it, my sister would declare that my mother couldnt come if she did, and I had to be the one to say no. She even tried to do this for my birthday. It's been like this for several years.
Last year, basically this same time, my sister has her baby. And it changed everything, for the worst. My sister holds herself even more on a pedestal, and treats everyone even more poorly and my nana says nothing.
After my sister sabotaged my ability to go on a family vacation, I finally had had enough and decided to cut her out of my life. Mind you, things have been going on for the past decade that lead to this decision, it wasn't a quick or rash decision. But it pissed my nana off. Whenever I was around her, she would immediately bring up my sister, and how it's killing her that I'm not around, and how I'm horrible because I won't talk to her, and that I'm dividing the family by doing this.
I've tried explaining time and time again to her where I'm coming from, and each time it's obvious she isn't listening to me. So I've just stopped trying to explain. I don't owe her it anymore.
However, now it's becoming even clearer how my mom and I are second tier to my sister in my nanas eyes. They celebrated Thanksgiving with them, we didn't receive and invite, she said we had to have Christmas on Christmas Eve this year since my sister wanted to have it on Christmas Day (despite having basically yelled at me the prior year for asking if we could alternate Christmas day and Christmas Eve with them and my dad since my parents are divorced. She said Christmas couldn't be Christmas unless it was on Christmas Day). I agreed because it worked out for me, though I was instantly a little miffed at us being the second tier Christmas for her.
Then New Years came around, and she celebrated with my sister again. And again I got not invitation or even am inquiry to my plans.
It might be selfish, but it would have been nice if one of those holidays she could have prioritized anyone but my sister. However, at this point I've kind of reach my limit. My entire life I've always felt like wasn't good enough, and that I was always second best, if that.
Now I messaged her at the beginning of the year and told her I was done. The final straw being that my birthday is on the 11th, and my birthday is a bit of sore spot for me because as sad and attention seeking as it sounds, my birthday has never gotten to be about me. I've always had to share it, or it's been ruined by my sister throwing a fit. Literally one year she got mad that the birthday check I got from my dad was higher than hers despite her being 6 years old than me. My nana sided with her, and when I defended my dad my nana told me she didn't understand why I was because he didn't love me which was proven because he left when I was a baby.
So here I am, 4 days before my birthday feeling completely inadequate again because I pretty much feel like I'll never be as good as my sister. I feel like my value is less because I don't have any children (my family definitely is one of those that thinks having kids makes you more important than the women who don't). I've chosen to try one more time to try and talk to her, my husband has agreed to be there to back me up, but I just don't know if I have a lot of try left in me.
So I want to know, does it make me a horrible person if I cut my grandparents, or at least my nana, out of my life because I feel like they've continuously enabled my sister and always made me feel like I don't matter? I feel like they're toxic, and it should be okay for me to separate myself from them, but I know there are people out there, and in my family, who will pull the "but they're family card". So like, at what point does it become enough is enough?
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