I've always been the cheerful one, the helper, the one who looks on the brightside and reaches for silver linings like its my only saving grace. I've always just accepted what life has given me. And usually? Usually it's pretty great. But recently it's all just wearing on me. He's always made jokes, oftentimes the wrong joke, or at the wrong time. And sometimes it hurts. I know for a fact that he has never once meant for his jokes to be taken poorly, and I flipping act accordingly. I try not to let it get to me, despite the fact that it still hurts. Twice, recently, when I've approached him about how his jokes hurt me, he's asked me to just give him the "benefit of the doubt" as if it's something I've never done before! "Benfit of the doubt" what a novel flipping concept, what brilliant advice. I hadn't flipping thought of that before, gee! He doesn't even know how many times his words have hit wrong because gosh danggit I always brush it off. I always forgive him and I always try to forget it. But why am I the one who always has to assume the best, as if I haven't always been doing that? Why doesn't he have to work on his timing, his phrasing, freaking thinking before he speaks? Why do I just have to take it? He acts like benefit of the doubt is the issue here. Hello? I can give myself all the benefit of the doubt I want when I stub my flipping toe, but that doesn't make it stop hurting when I accidentally stub it anyways! No, it's not about benefit of the doubt. That doesn't fix anything. That's not even a band-aid. If you stub your toe, you stop walking so close to the dang furniture. If you hurt someone with your words, you learn to think before you speak. (And he jokes that this "think before you speak" thing is a skill I have that he doesn't, it ain't really a skill though. It's torture, because sometimes I have to fight myself just to convince myself the words are worth saying. I could have an absolutely hilarious joke up my sleeve, and I'll never say it because "what if.")

And why is it that every time someone interrupts me, it's always "speak up" "speaker louder"? Why do I have to shout to be heard when I'm learning from them that my words matter less than theirs anyways? Interrupting is impolite! It's something I sure shouldn't do! It hurts others when I do it! And I always apologize after because I don't want to hurt them, but hurt was the end result anyways. Why should I apologize when I interrupt someone, but I should speak louder when I'm on the recieving end of it? Why is it always my flipping responsibility to speak up, to give benefit of the doubt? Why isn't he the one that should change? He never tried to teach me that my words mattered less, but I learned it anyways. Now, I have to fight my words just to get them past my throat. Some days I've wanted to just stop speaking altogether. Really, the best way to ensure you're never interrupted is just to never speak. Why is it so much easier to type these words out into a forum for strangers to read than it is to speak these same words to him? Why am I not allowed to just be softspoken?

Why is it that when people (who care greatly about me, who I know without even the faintest hint of doubt love me) hurt me, I'm the one who needs to change? Why do I need to give him benefit of the doubt, but he doesn't need to try and change his words? Why do I need to learn to speak up instead of him learning to stop talking for just a minute? I get that there are always going to be people who will interrupt me anyways, but they don't have to be among them.

gosh, this all feels so whiny, but gosh danggit I'm hurting and angry and I can't say the words aloud. So here I am, I guess.