I have a strong family history of schizophrenia. Ive had hallucinations since I was young, and i believed i was seeing ghosts. As a teen they diagnosed me with MDD + psychotic features despite the psychosis not overlapping with the depression. Ive always known it was a possibility I'd have schizophrenia with my family history and symptoms but it was so much worse than I could have ever imagined. I was put on a medication for suspected bipolar that also happened to treat schizophrenia, and I felt like I was in control of my life for the first time. I had a minor side effect, my eyes were dilated, and they switched my medication to one that treats bipolar, but not schizophrenia. Everything went downhill, I was hallucinating again, I was extremely paranoid and delusion to the point I thought my therapist was a government spy. The world didn't feel real at all and I felt completely disconnected from my body and mind. I knew I needed help and I switched to a new psychiatrist who immediately diagnosed me with schizophrenia, saying it was so obvious that it was frustrating it had taken so long to diagnose. I had joked about being crazy in the past because of the hallucinations and the possibility of schizophrenia, but having that confirmed by a doctor was the worst experience of my life. Losing my mind has always been my biggest fear and now it's my reality. Im back on the medication from before, and it's helping, but im scared that feeling will come back. On top of that, i have to live the rest of my life with a diagnosis surrounded by negative stigma. Finishing my education, holding a job, a healthy relationship, and starting a family were my only goals in life and I dont know if I'll be able to do any of them. It doesn't feel real that im actually losing my mind.