I feel like I'm totally wrong and absolutely messing everything up.
I started riding a new horse about a year ago, and my barn is really small and tight-knit so it's a situation where I lesson but I can also ride pretty much whenever and show up and do groundwork whenever as long as I check with the barn owner first. It's a really special sort of situation where my progress is mostly driven by me. And it's a super beginner lesson barn so I coach, and a few of my lesson-mates coach, and our head coach only really takes the kids that are beyond what I or other coaches can teach them. But our head coach is also not really trained? Like, she showed big at one point, but that was 5 years ago now and she's just getting back into riding, and I don't think she's coaching certified. Not to say a certification makes you a good coach, but I think although she understands really well the foundations of riding and how to ride a trained horse, she doesn't really know how to work with horses that don't know exactly what they're doing. Since we can only afford super cheap horses, most of our horses don't know what they're doing. Not to say I don't love my coach! She's awesome and so supportive, but I'm not sure she's quite what my horse and I need.
I've been riding for almost a decade, and it's been mostly at this same barn, so I've never really had a properly trained coach. Most of my coaches have just been making it up as they go. So I can ride, sure, but I can't really problem solve and I certainly can't teach a horse anything, whether in the saddle or on the ground. I feel like these are things I should know at this point? I dunno. But what I do know is mostly put together from 2 minute social media videos and the infrequent scroll through a 'how to' wiki. No matter what horse I get on, I come off feeling like I should be better than this and I'm screwing up. And it's kinda true; I should be better at this point. But that's just a product of never riding at a high-level barn, so I've kind of made my own bed with that.
I feel like the first response is 'leave your barn and find a new one', but I've really thought about that and it's just not feasible for me. I love my barn. I love the horses and the community and it feels like home. So moving to a barn where everything is new and I don't know anyone feels super isolating and I think it would just demolish my love for the sport. Besides, I'm starting university in the fall so I probably wouldn't have time to lesson consistently anyway (my barn is also super flexible).
So anyway, this horse. I love her so much and I really want to improve with her, but it's just not happening. She's the kind of horse who sticks her head out in front and doesn't like to bend or slow down or respond to body cues or listen to rein signals, and whenever we jump she grabs the bit and charges. I'm talking four-beats, holy-shit-I'm-gonna-die charging. We have a small arena so this is an absolute no-go, a horse that can't slow down around a turn is going to fall flat on its side. This has thankfully not happened yet, but if I can't slow her down it's probably only a matter of time. She's only 12 so it's not an old-horse-can't-turn issue, but I think it is something that's totally on me and my coach. Her last barn sold her for charging at jumps, so of course initially it was going to be that way, but again, it's been a year.
I will say, our flatwork has improved exponentially over the course of the year. She goes pretty well walk-trot-canter now, although she still has a hard time moving sideways off the leg instead of shooting forward. I don't know if this is an issue with my riding or with her, because I've never really seen anyone else ride her besides one of my own lesson kids, who is too beginner for leg yields. She also tends to pick up a bigger canter than we want most of the time, which has only settled now she's working in camp lessons an hour a day and living outside. So again, I don't think I've improved, I think she's just more tired. She used to canter at every ground pole, too, but she's stopped doing that as long as we're only trotting. If we canter to a ground pole, it's still a full-on charge. Nonetheless, I feel like there's been a lot of improvement flatting this year.
Jumping is a different story. No matter what, she goes. It scares me, to be honest, but I really just don't know how to bring her back. I can't use my rein because she grabs the bit, and if I pull back I'm just fighting her and I get all tense and she gets all mad and she gets even worse. I want her to put her head down and stay fluid to the fence but she never does. I definitely think something is wrong with my riding, but my coach always tells me the same things and nothing really changes. I can slow her down around turns and get the corners proper before a fence, which is what my coach tells me, but as soon as Skye is straight she charges again and I can't stop her. And I'm not sure my coach knows how either, because she just says to sit down and lower my hands, and that does not work. So no progress has been made on this front.
So today we were jumping on a circle, which my coach says will help her learn to slow down (which is probably true, but I doubt it helps if you only do it once in a blue moon, and these sorts of exercises are few and far between), and I forgot how much she hates turning left (something that would probably be fixed with proper groundwork, which I do not know how to do), so I asked her to turn left after the first jump and she almost did but ducked right at the last second, and I went flying. This is the first time I've fallen off her so that was super disheartening. But she was really good about it. She stopped right away (for a horse that charges everywhere, this surprised me) and came over to check on me. This is not the issue. The issue is that I was so mad at her. Reflecting, I was being irrational, but instead of reassuring her or anything I just kind of ignored her and dragged her over to the mounting block to get back on. And even though she was really good for the rest of the ride, I didn't really reward her or anything, just stayed pissy. Again, looking back, this was really mean of me; I know this. I think I tend to blame the horse every time something goes wrong instead of reminding myself that they're not smart and they can't read my mind, and then I just stay mad. Even untacking, I sort of ignored her and just kind of dragged her around.
What I feel worst about is after I untacked, when I hosed her down and put her back in her paddock. We spent a part of the lesson on groundwork, like weaving over poles to build topline and moving off whip touches on the side. This horse does not know any ground cues, as far as I know. She doesn't know how to move over, stop when the leader stops, respond to light pressure, etc. So I had to full-body push her every time to get her to move over. This only made me more irritated. After untacking, I wanted to work with her a bit on some of these manners, just stopping when I stop and such (moving off whip touches is half-hour training session type stuff, and I don't really know how to teach it anyway) while we waited for the hose. So I walked her and then stopped walking, and of course she didn't, and I made her back up, etc. She figured it out eventually, sort of, so she got some pats for that. We did the same thing on the way back to her paddock and she was a bit pushier so I was a bit pushier, like jerking-on-the-lead-to-move-back level pushy, which probably stressed her out to no end. In the paddock, she usually tosses her head to get the halter off and leaves, and also drags me through the gate on the way in. She didn't drag me through the gate today, probably because we worked on stopping when I stop, but she did her head-toss thing. So I did that thing where you wait to keep taking the halter off until her head is still again, except she got impatient and pulled and shoved me a bit (probably because the flies were really bad) so I shoved her back, not nicely. Eventually she stayed still long enough, and it was really only 20 seconds, but I didn't even pat her like I usually do before she leaves.
Anyway, all this is to say I get mad at her too often and after today I realized I really need to stop. I always think before riding that I'm going to be more patient today and I'm going to focus on making sure she understands, and then I get frustrated and all that goes out the window and I spent the rest of the time smacking her around. And I was reflecting when I got home today, and I thought, hold on, she probably has no idea why I'm so mean to her. Like, she stopped and checked on me after I fell, and she was super sweet, and I just ignored her. And she probably felt really bad, and also kind of isolated and scared? She tried to reach out and I just pushed her around again? Honestly, no wonder we don't have a good relationship.
I feel like I need to do better, but as soon as I have her I'm just back to being frustrated. I don't really know how to make this change. I thought about doing more groundwork with her, like the basic yielding the shoulders or hindquarters and teaching leg yield and sidepass, but I don't know how to do any of that and I think I'd expect her to read my mind again and get mad when she doesn't. Besides, I have, like, 3 weeks left before I leave for university, and my uni is about an hour bus ride and I'll probably be back home most weekends, but I don't know if I'll be allowed to keep riding and stuff. I don't pay for lessons or anything, I get all my rides and horse time free for coaching and helping with camps, but if I'm not doing any of that next year I don't know if I'll really be welcome to monopolize arena hours anymore. So any attempt at groundwork might be futile because it'll all go out the window when I vanish at the end of August.
Realistically, I should talk to my coach about how I'm feeling and also ask the barn owner if I can continue to work with Skye (and the other pony on my roster) next year. I know I'm welcome to work with them, it's just taking up the arena time that's the issue since we only have one ring. But at the same time, I've told my coach that I feel like we're making no progress and I think we need to do something different and all she said if 'you're both learning'. Which is true but not super helpful, and also I've been riding for a decade so even if I am still learning, I should have learned more than this and I should be better than this by now.
Anyway, I'm really upset and frustrated and I feel so bad about being mean to this horse and I really feel like something needs to change but I have no idea what. I'll probably feel better in the morning (and honestly, this whole breakdown is probably PMS-exacerbated), but I needed to get the words out and hopefully reflect enough and feel bad enough that I do better by Skye.
Spring Month: 1 
Night 
Clear Moon: 
