im the only person i know who doesnt know what theyre going to do with their life. not feels like, not i think, i know. i am the only person, out of everybody that i am close to, who doesn't know what the hell theyre doing. all my friends are going to college in the fall, one's even moving all the way across the country. even my little brother knows what he wants to do, what college hes going to, and he might even be able to get an athletic scholarship. i, however, have no fucking clue what i want to do. i want to do something with the arts, yes, but the regimen is stressful, i can't handle deadlines, and with the rise of ai, i might be entirely out of a job before i even graduate (the community college i go to now even put ai slop in an art show. bad signs for the future). i was entertaining mortuary science, but thats years and years plus extra classes because i didn't have any lab classes in high school. i also don't think i could handle a people/communication-forward job, especially not with mourning people. i just want to be the embalmer but i don't think that's a viable route.

also time to get a degree is an issue because im already getting an (likely useless) associates in fine arts at a community college, and i have another year? to go on that, and my boyfriend and i plan to move out of the country and his college is only a three year program.

i also dont know if i can even handle college because even with part time jobs and one class at the moment, i barely have a social life because im spending so much time at work, at class, and on homework. and yes i am an introverted person but i havent seen my friends or my boyfriend since mid-june, and i dont know if ill ever see some of them again after they go to college. i miss them. its like my family, my real family, is being taken away from me and i cant do anything about it, not even follow them.

i feel paralysed. i just need someone to tell me exactly what i should be doing, where i should go with my life. there are too many unknowns and im not prepared and im afraid and i feel like im too weak for this because ive been handed the world and all i can do is cry.

where did i go wrong?